Tagged: humor

The Functional Nervous Breakdown Defined

You know you’re experiencing a Functional Nervous Breakdown when:

  • Your barber makes you nervous
  • You guffaw in public
  • You know what guffaw means
  • You only read Facebook 15 minutes a day. More or Less. You timed it.
  • You can define and classify each of the bodily humors
  • You have no tattoos, but about 8 designs picked out
  • Your resume links work, but your address is incorrect
  • You lost your Social Security Number
  • You don’t have a web site, but you own a URL with your name in it
  • You feed your pet before you cook yourself a meal
  • You think a lot about cities like Portland, San Diego, Sedona, Austin, Greensboro, & Madison
  • You have to schedule time for practiced laughing
  • Your spreadsheets are penny-perfect
  • You emoticon on every email, especially for business
  • Your wardrobe is turtleneck-driven

Welcome to the world of unanswered prayers, but good credit and steady friends. A Functional Nervous Breakdown is about as deep as emoti-pain can get. We have good credit, updated resumes, and broad smiles. We vote progressively, take time for petition signature collectors and smile at kids on the street. Yet a chasm of inexplicable, shameful horror is just – look for it – just behind our shoulder, the shoulder of our writing hand, hovering and waiting to manifest a stagnant, apocryphal world.

In other words, those suffering from a Functional Nervous Breakdown possess a tremendous imagination, but have no job or hobby to put it in.

Perhaps a Depression-Era, government-supported works program is the solution.

Or maybe just a good night’s sleep.